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• Nagging
Regarding relationships... Lee Cass
Often couples find they are having difficulties talking to each other, feel something is missing, or they feel their partner is a bit cool or distant. One way that couples get to this situation is when they internalise their conversations instead of talking. Couples find themselves unable to voice their concerns to each other after having been together for a while. They feel that their concerns are minor, so they let it go.
"Oh
I wish he'd put the dirty nappy in the bucket. Oh well I won't complain,
it's only a small problem".
"Jeeze.
She's left the dishes in the sink again. Oh well, she's got enough on
her plate I guess".
Withholding
complaints can become a pattern where neither party says anything while
internalising their conversation. She thinks to herself:
"I wonder why he's not helping me with the baby. I'm the one who's
had her all day."
He might be thinking:
"I've worked all day and she's not even being nice to me when I get
home."
What this couple is doing is supposedly being polite and not making waves.
What is really happening, however, is that they have stopped their spontaneity
and are not talking. They need to say what they are thinking.
Continued thinking like this for each partner will make them feel resentful and alone in the relationship, and it is these feelings that will keep them apart, even if only temporarily.
When the
couple met they had very strong feelings for each other - feelings of
attraction, sexuality and fun, for example:
"Wow, she's so great, I could talk to her all day and night."
"He's just so nice. He's a soul mate - he thinks the same way as I do."
It is ironic
that their feelings will ultimately drive them apart if they don't remain
in communication.
"I don't know. She's so cold to me now. It's like being with a
fridge."
"He comes home. He goes out again. I never see him. I just feel alone."
Each time they don't talk they put a 'brick' in between the two of them
until eventually it becomes a 'wall'.
Counselling can assist in dismantling the 'wall' safely, without blame,
ensuring everyone gets heard.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 10, Dec/Jan 2002/3
Nagging is an ironic labelling of the "other person's" behaviour. No one ever describes themselves as a nagger. Nagging is usually construed to mean someone who is repeatedly asking or telling someone to do something. It really means that the person asked is not only failing to do the job, but they also lie about it and worse, they turn on their partner and insult them by calling them a nagger.
One way that couples get into conflict is when one person asks another to do something or to help with some-thing. For example, when A asks B to wash the dishes, B will say, "Sure, later." A is usually satisfied with that, but after 'later' has passed, asks B again. If B is not really interested in the dishes, B will offer some other excuse to get off the hook. "I'll do them after the news". Of course it won't be long before A is asking again.
There is a basic fault here. In an informal way, this couple is setting up an arrangement about washing the dishes. But it is too loose to be satisfactory. No-one operates like this at work. If an employer asked someone to do some-thing they would want to know when the job was going to be done. "Later" is not a definite answer. It sets things up for a messy arrangement.
At home, "After the news" and "at nine o'clock" are reasonable answers. Note that taxi operators never say what time the taxi will arrive - they say "as soon as possible" because they can't promise a time for the driver. When B says "Later", A will inevitably ask again, and if B doesn't comply or renegotiate, A gets frustrated and B can then get angry and say, "Stop nagging me. Leave me alone."
This is a brilliant way of switching the focus of attention off B, the agreement breaker, back to A, the innocent ques-tioner. Usually A will back down at this point, not wanting to nag! The original problem, the dish washing, is passed over. B can stomp off. A, who is concerned about the dish-es, ends up doing them and later on A and B will try and feel ok about each other, especially around bed time or if they are going out.
Pretty good trick on B's part, though eh? B gets to be right - after all, naggers aren't nice people, are they? B also gets out of doing the job. In the long run, however, it makes for a shaky relationship.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 11, Feb/Mar 2003
Sex,
surf and family - a couple's dilemma
John and Marsha had a problem that they had been arguing about for days.
John wanted to go on a holiday by himself early next year, which was around
the time that Marsha wanted to start a family. They had reached a standstill
and were feeling angry with each other.
I asked them about the holiday. John said that if he didn't book
this tropical surfing trip he'd never be able to do it. It was a
trip where tropical diseases were prevalent. He didn't want to travel
there after they had had a family for fear of contracting an illnesses
and passing it on.
Marsha didn't want to go on a surfing trip. She wanted to go to Europe
or America and with John. She said that his commitment to her and their
future children should be the most important things in his life. She was
36 and had concerns about conceiving at this time of life.
We talked about priorities, her feelings, and his feelings of pressure
from her. As she was worried about family, we talked about her past. She
told of her feelings about commitment and insecurity. She had been sexually,
physically, and vocally abused by her father. The stories had been buried
in secrecy. She had a problem in trusting people close to her. Her mother
still pretended she didn't know about all the abuse and Marsha figured
that her mother did this to protect her relationship with her husband.
Marsha had had incest survivor therapy and had come to terms with the
abuse but it wasn't until this counselling that she became aware
of some insecurity she still felt.
John and she had separated for three months previously, and while still
separated had slept together on the night before John went on a surfing
trip. Marsha assumed their relationship was "back on" that night;
John understood it to mean that they were starting again on his return.
John had a one-night stand overseas. He didn't think he had to tell
Marsha and when she found out about it, lost all trust in him. This keyed
into abandonment issues for her, times when she had felt abandoned by
both parents: 'Whoever you love will abandon you'. John felt
pressuredand misunderstood. He came from a solid family who did a lot
together. He felt secure in the relationship but felt frustrated because
he couldn't go on the trip that he had planned for a long time. His
family loved surfing, and he had dreamed about trips to many surfing localities
since he was about six. He felt cheated.
Marsha felt ripped off because John was spending thousands of dollars
to go on this trip without any being put away for their planned 'family'.
When I asked about their mutual family savings she said that they didn't
have any.
She assumed that they would have 'family' funds but they hadn't
discussed mutual funds! They decided later to put money into a joint account.
John talked about realising his ambitions. If he wentoverseas alone, Marsha
reasoned, she would feel like she was being left yet again which brought
up fears of abandonment.
She remembered many unpleasant times when she had felt alone. She feared
that he would sleep with someone else and she would 'lose everything'.
John said that if she felt that strongly he wouldn't go at this time.
But they both agreed that his dreams would probably surface again later.
How could they both win? They were used to living day to day and when
they had a row, they were both afraid of the other leaving the relationship.
The relationship was in a stop-start mode. I asked them what their commitment
was, and they said that really they hadn't spoken about it much.
John said he was committed to her. He said that he wouldn't sleep
with anyone else and he wanted
only her. Marsha was surprised and pleased to see that he was genuine.
They had never made any promises to each other before, assuming that they
had agreements because they lived together.
John decided to take a loan so he could take the trip soon.
Marsha asked if they could put money aside for a family which would address
her feeling concerns. Then they could plan a start time for a family,
make other plans and travel later together. The distance they had felt
between themselves dissolved.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 13, June/July 2003
Computer
sex
Don arrived nervously after his girlfriend had strongly suggested he see
a counsellor. She'd complained that he didn't seem interested
in sex with her and she'd found porn on their computer one night.
He had admitted that he'd been watching porn and satisfying himself
in the shower so didn't have any energy for her.
They'd had fights about it but nothing had changed and she was threatening
to leave. She felt unloved and rejected and couldn't understand why
he'd want sex with a computer and not her. Don was feeling miserable
about all this. He loved his girlfriend. He also felt miserable as his
business was undergoing a slump and he knew he wasn't putting the
needed effort in.
My first questions were about his sexuality and relationships. He was
32 and had been in several long term relationships with periods of being
alone and during these periods he'd use porn for sexual satisfaction.
Looking at Don's whole life showed that porn sex was a normal part
of his sex-life starting from when he was about 14. This was a relief
to Don.
How to deal with what seemed like an incurable addictive behaviour in
the context of his relationship was for Don to allow himself some porn
viewing at certain times. When the burden of his sexuality was lessened
Don realised that he had been feeling guilty about using porn. Feeling
guilty kept him away from his girlfriend. He further distanced himself
because of the condition of his business. As his girlfriend was successfully
employed he felt like a failure: the traditional role of provider was
reversed as she was earning more than he was. Feeling like a failure made
him think his successful girlfriend was an enemy, and that distanced him
even more as she became the last person that he would talk to about it.
So when at work he might feel alone, a failure, and he'd turn to
internet porn for escape. This completed a cycle of guilt then shame and
frustration plus his income would plummet.
In talking about his business we discovered that he had clashed with his
father many times when working in his father's furniture sales showroom.
Don had preferred hands-on work making craft furniture in his spare time.
This was intensive work with low output but when he did sell a piece it
was lucrative. His father wanted him to take over the business and after
years of working with his father, Don left and went out on his own.
If he was feeling down and isolated at home he'd think badly of himself
and escape into another cycle of porn. Also although his work was of a
high standard, his father's words echoed at the back of his mind,
"You'll never make a business man," which had been repeated
endlessly to Don while he was in sales. The negative slogan had sunk in
and Don believed it from time to time.
Discussing strategies to accommodate this false belief, Don moved on and
got his business on track by breaking his day up into sections. He talked
to his girlfriend about all this and even his reluctance to want to discuss
it (I'm a bloke and don't need to talk about how I feel/don't
need to see a counsellor/I can fix myself up) which enabled his girlfriend
to understand him and then for both to move into an environment of compassion
and honesty. Although the problem had initially surfaced as a sexual one,
the uncovered factors provided a different story altogether.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 14, Aug/Sept 2003
"I
don't have enough sex", might be a complaint usually attributed
to singles or people just out of a relationship. But it shows up frequently
in committed relationships as well. If a relationship is enjoyed by the
partners and they are getting on well what is it that prevents them having
the sex they'd like?
These days it's about time. One busy couple, Jon and Jaq, say that
they don't get around to having sex often enough. They have a coincidence
problem: Jon likes to have sex at night time and Jaq likes it when she
is warm and cosy in the morning. But often Jaq is too tired at night after
a day's work and Jon has disappeared in the morning – jogging,
gym-ing grooming and breakfasting.
It's easy to see what can be done here from an objective view, but
when couples are involved in their often complicated lives, they can't
see this. Weekdays are fairly regimented and on weekends busy couples
shop, clean up, do their finances; have family visits, dinner parties
and other activities. It would seem that to have sex, they need plan for
sex. Jon says he hates that idea. "It should be spontaneous. It should
be when we feel sexy". This is pure irony because as nothing else
Jon does is spontaneous why should sex be too?
The trick to this is to have both worlds – planned spontaneity! This
means that Jon and Jaq allow say two nights per week and two mornings
in the week to have quality time together. Say between 8-10pm and an hour
before breakfast. Then they can be spontaneous in that space: go out to
dinner, watch a video or be intimate. The same for a couple of mornings.
If sex is their priority then they need to allow time for relaxing with
each other and enjoying sex together.
The title, "Is foreplay really necessary in these busy times",
came up as a title for satirical comment in a weekend newspaper indicating
that if couples were really busy couldn't they just cut to the chase?
Well if the writer was male that may be his point of view but really the
reason for a quickie is to get things over with to get back to what...?
Work? The telly? Some women like quickies. Most don't.
I saw an ad for a dating agency proclaiming that if readers were too busy
to go out to meet a partner then they could help. But if you have no time
to find a partner where are you going to find the time to chat, go out
and have pleasant experiences together? Life is too short to rush ahead
full tilt having brief sex with your partner, gobbling food in a race
to jump headfirst into the grave.
There is real meaning in "Make time to smell the roses." Perhaps
we should amend that to "Make time to make love."
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 15, Oct/Nov 2003
What's
love got to do with it?
What's love…just a second hand emotion?
What's the difference between being in love and feeling loving and
feeling loved? Is love a deep feeling of sexual attraction and desire?
Many people express confusion about the meaning of love.
"Do you love me?" "Well…I'm fond of you."
"Do you love me?" "Of course I do – I married you
didn't I?"
"Do you love me?" "Of course I do – we have a mortgage
don't we?"
"Do you love me?" "Of course I do – we had sex yesterday
didn't we!"
What does love mean anyway?
There are two ways we use, "I love you". The first way is using
love as an expression of commitment to another person. And in that commitment
is "chemistry", an indefinable yet understood description; and
also we are intimate and caring for them and expect to have intimacy and
caring from them.
So "I love you" here means I'll live with you or go out
with you and no one else; or marry you and stay with you till one of us
dies.
The second way is to notice that when we are in a relationship with a
special person, a partner, or a spouse and we enjoy being with them, from
time to time we experience a rush of feelings from the chest area, or
a "whoosh" of feeling to the other person.
We talk of feelings "from the heart" when it's not from
our hearts at all (unless we are having heart failure or murmurs) and
we "wear our hearts on our sleeve" when we show our strongest
feelings.
When we are earnest we talk from "the heart". We describe our
most intimate feelings in those terms. We are talking of feelings and
as humans our feelings last for a limited time.
Think about it. When you hear of something distressing you are upset for
how long? A short time, and then you recover. If you hear the best joke
you will laugh for a few minutes and then you recover. When you burst
into tears, you stop crying after a while. The most powerful feeling,
an orgasm, has a time limit. If no time limit wouldn't we have hours and
hours of orgasms? Well, we just don't.
The same goes for a feeling of love. A love feeling has a time component.
Even if you say you totally love your partner, when you go to work and
are absorbed in work or concentrating on a project you're not thinking
of your partner, you are not feeling loving; nor are you feeling loved.
But your commitment to your partner is invisibly in your background (like
the invisible computer operating system behind this word processor) and
you can convey your feelings at any time you designate.
If your partner rings you while you're at work, you may feel annoyed,
you may feel overjoyed and you may feel love or you may feel loved. If
it's love, then you can bask in it and enjoy it!
Conversely if you aren't feeling loved or aren't loving your partner from
time to time, it's time to start talking. After all that's what relationships
are for - talking and loving and enjoying each other.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 16, Dec 03/Jan2004
Sharks
and pain
Recently a shark was found swimming in the children's pool at North Bondi.
Although the shark was watched by some children and later on by some parents,
it swam lazily around the pool occasionally stopping to try and bury itself
in the sandy bottom. Someone called the lifeguards and they got a net
and captured the shark and as soon as it was in the net it started thrashing
about in an effort to escape. The lifeguard carried the shark over to
the open beach and put it under the surface.
The shark got stuck in the net and thrashed about until the guard managed to pull its nose out of the net and lower the shark into the water. This time the shark got out and sank to the bottom, then slowly moved off to deeper waters.
People often wonder how they can get over a tragedy, a fight in a relationship or a major upset when they have conflict or turmoil. They relive it every time they think about it; the thoughts evoking the feelings, the feeling evoking more memories of other hard times and they feel even worse.
One way of dealing with a past incident or conflict is to talk it over and get resolution. Many people talk things over yet if one partner answers a question with "Fine!" or says nothing, the asker mistakenly assumes there is resolution. Resolution only occurs when both parties agree and understand.
Otherwise as soon as an incident occurs for us that is reminiscent of a previous incident, we think we are in trouble and 'thrash about' making much noise getting no solution. Even if a resolution is not reached (say in a hostile relationship breakup), you have to realize that the conflict was in the past and look for a clear and safe future.
The shark operated on a simple level. When it got out of its turmoil (the net), it just moved on, swimming peacefully away.
Easy to say, difficult to do for humans.
Whenever we think about an unresolved conflict we are likely to get upset. For example if your partner left you, your friends will tell you to, "Get over it", "There's plenty more to choose from". Why these solutions don't work is because although you know in your intellect that your friends are right, in your heart there is still pain.
You need time to heal, as in any hurt. A cut finger needs time to heal. You have to consciously tell yourself that the situation may be difficult to resolve and that you have to leave it where it is by saying, "Well really it is as resolved as possible". Then it's time to look forward to future plans and goals.
Just note that when you're feeling like you're in the net you know you are not in the net and like the shark, head for calmer horizons.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 17, Feb/Mar 2004
The
Silent Crime
It's any woman's right to safety and freedom when attending an eastern
suburbs bar for a night out. Yet young women in our area are having their
drinks spiked, or drugged (once called a Mickey Finn) and are being sexually
abused.
A young woman, let's call her Meg, had a night out with her girlfriend
at a prominent eastern suburbs bar. A man who was talking to her bought
her a drink, then went off to talk with other male friends. Meg had only
had one drink yet felt dizzy and told her girlfriend she had to go home.
Another man offered to see her to a taxi. Her girlfriend stayed.
What is shocking about this set up is that Meg awoke next morning, naked,
alone, in her own bed and she knew the man had had penetrative sex with
her. She had been raped and had no recollection of it. She felt ashamed
and didn't ring police because she didn't know what she could report.
I am hearing more stories of young women having their drinks spiked in
bars. Jane Heffernan of Waverley Police was disappointed to hear that
women aren't reporting the sexual offences that are occurring as a result
of drink spiking. If the women would report this crime, female detectives
would go under cover; police could view security cameras. They would provide
anonymity for the women.
For safety, women should only accept drinks from the bar staff. Once you
have your drink, donÕt leave it unattended. Don't taste someone elseÕs
drink. Don't let anyone escort you or your girlfriend to a taxi to take
you/her home. Stick together and look after each other. If your girlfriend
is dizzy, escort her home, get her to see a doctor and get a urine test.
Report it to the police. If you are by yourself and feel dizzy, immediately
contact bar staff or a security guard.
Most women want to forget about and move on from an incidence such as
this. Many feel so shamed they won't tell anyone about it. However it
does help to move on if they do talk and see that it is not their fault.
This is a criminal act perpetrated against young women. By talking about
it, it ceases to be a silent crime.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 18, Apr/May 2004
Jan was pressured in her job with her work and work related overseas trips.
She didn’t have a lot of time for herself; intimacy or sex with her
partner, George. She was dissatisfied with all this but was going to change
jobs soon.
George complained that she wasn’t around much but sometimes neglected
to tell her when he was working overtime.
She started confiding with a male work colleague (WC) and became friends
on their many work trips, eventually having a sexual relationship with
him. Weeks later, George noticed that Jan was withdrawn from him, especially
if he tried to initiate lovemaking.
When she returned from another trip, Jan told George what had happened.
She was guilty and numbed with shame. She broke off the relationship with
WC and begged George to move on with her. They started arguing. George
said that their relationship was based on mutual loyalty and honesty and
that she had destroyed that. She said that often he was too busy to hear
about her concerns and worries. George wanted to know why Jan had the
affair. She said that because she was so stressed from work she had been
drinking a lot after work with WC and “it just happened”.
George tried to go over the event. She could only repeat her reasons and
say how sorry she was. George couldn’t tolerate the breach of their
relationship. His thoughts were about being cheated on and he dreamt about
Jan and WC. He reflected on his loving caring family. He considered that
maybe his inability to deal with this situation was a failing on his part.
Jan’s parents had divorced when she was 12 and while her father had
been loving to her she didn’t get a lot of time with him; less when
he left. She had lost her Dad, and now here she was losing George. She
felt guilty and on a deeper level she was fighting her failure in her
relationship in being trustworthy. She always considered herself as someone
who “did everything right.” (Maybe it was my fault that Daddy
left. If I do everything right then my Daddy will come back.)
She continually asked George to resume the relationship but he’d
say he was confused. George just didn’t trust Jan to not repeat the
situation. He’d get upset when she talked about work, knowing that
WC was still there. Jan became angry because George wouldn’t believe
her and George couldn’t trust her. After much soul searching George
moved out.
The only way for this relationship to have worked before the break up
was for George to accept Jan’s behaviours as having occurred in the
past and move on by setting up new rules for their relationship. And work
through the mutual pain that occurs when one partner feels betrayed, the
other guilty.
from THE BONDI VIEW, issue 19, June 2004
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