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LEE CASS CARING COUNSELLING

Counsellor’s reply

“Hi Sue,

If you go the usual way about a situation like this you'll be arguing about every household item until the sun goes down and then comes up again. You'll say he leaves his wet towels on the floor and he'll say he took the bins out last week. The subject will change and so will your mood. You'll start off trying to work it out and end up yelling at each other.

One way of avoiding this sort of argument is to say how you feel when he tells you it's all your fault. Now I could imagine that if someone was telling me that the reason our home was a mess, was all my fault, that I would be feeling pretty loaded up with all the blame and pretty annoyed.

So instead of arguing the ins and outs of the cleaning or tidying problems I would be telling that person that if they always blame me for the problems that they will have an upset partner to deal with.

Now this is a change of direction already - you aren't arguing back with them. And I would be hoping that the other person is listening to you by now.
Then you tell them how their argument is affecting you.

After this, it is time to just work out ways of keeping the place tidy as a partnership rather than a battle between the two of you. Keep telling them how you are feeling if the complaints lead you to the idea that you aren't getting anywhere.”

Nagging

Nagging is an ironic labelling of the "other person's" behaviour. No one ever describes themselves as a nagger. Nagging is usually construed to mean someone who is repeatedly asking or telling someone to do something. It really means that the person asked is not only failing to do the job, but they also lie about it and worse, they turn on their partner and insult them by calling them a nagger.

One way that couples get into conflict is when one person asks another to do something or to help with something. For example, when Max asks Jean to wash the dishes, Jean will say, "Sure, later." Max is usually satisfied with that, but after 'later' has passed, asks Jean again. If Jean is not really interested in the dishes, Jean will offer some other excuse to get off the hook. "I'll do them after the news". Of course it won't be long before Max is asking again.

There is a basic fault here. In an informal way, this couple is setting up an arrangement about washing the dishes. But it is too loose to be satisfactory. No-one operates like this at work. If an employer asked someone to do something they would want to know when the job was going to be done. "Later" is not a definite answer. It sets things up for a messy arrangement.

At home, "After the news" and "at nine o'clock" are reasonable answers. Note that taxi operators never say what time the taxi will arrive - they say "as soon as possible" because they can't promise a time for the driver. When Jean says "Later", Max will inevitably ask again, and if Jean doesn't comply or renegotiate, Max gets frustrated and Jean can then get angry and say, "Stop nagging me. Leave me alone."

This is a brilliant way of switching the focus of attention off Jean, the agreement breaker, back to Max, the innocent questioner. Usually Max will back down at this point, not wanting to nag! The original problem, the dish washing, is passed over. Jean can stomp off. Max, who is concerned about the dishes, ends up doing them and later on Max and Jean will try and feel ok about each other, especially around bed time or if they are going out. Pretty good trick on Jean's part, though eh? Jean gets to be right and gets out of doing the job. In the long run, however, it makes for a shaky relationship.

Lee Cass is a professional counsellor and psychotherapist of over 18 year's experience. He has just published a book through Boondye Books: "Making it or Breaking it! A travel guide to love". This is an easy to read non academic book with over 100 illustrations and 14 worksheets making it accessible to anyone interested in how relationships work. It describes the pitfalls and gives many solutions for resolving the problems.. There is an online version and a hard copy. See http://www.boondyebooks.com.au/ Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Cass

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